


Karma's a Bitch

by Strange_doll_from_Hell



Series: Waiting for season 3 [1]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:53:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24751135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strange_doll_from_Hell/pseuds/Strange_doll_from_Hell
Summary: The vampires find out what it's like to no longer be in charge. Small hypothesis about season 3.
Relationships: Guillermo & Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV), Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Series: Waiting for season 3 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1818151
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	1. The contract

**Author's Note:**

> It's just my (crazy?) theory about season three.  
> Also, don't worry, Guillermo is too nice for his own good.  
> And I love our vampires, but they were massive dicks with Guillermo!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The balance of power shifts.

-Nandor, your familiar just killed at least 30 vampires and we're tied up with a silver rope, shut up! Growls Nadja.  
-De la Cruz? Oh, that's a very pretty last name, almost as pretty as mine. Can you untie us, please? Laszlo said in such a sweet voice, Guillermo can feel his teeth decaying.

Someone else would have finished them off or left them to rot on the spot. But Guillermo have invested 11 years with them. He doesn't know if they're friends, but they're kind of a dysfunctional family now. 

-Sure.

Once the vampires are free, Guillermo decides they deserve a little explanation:

-I think it's time to be honest. Remember the DNA test? It seems I'm a descendant of Van Helsing and I inherited somes talents from him. I killed the Baron by accident, the guard in self-defense , all the assassins they sent after you voluntarily, the hippie family to protect my friends and ...well you can add all those, he says in presenting the bodies of the murdered vampires.  
-Do you still want to be a vampire? Nandor asked.

Guillermo wonders if this is a sincere question or if Nandor wants to negotiate. 

-I don't know. I don't think the timming is excellent at the moment to be transformed," said mocking Guillermo. -Anyway, I know I don't want to be a familiar anymore. So good evening to all of you…  
-You're just gonna leave us here? Ask Nandor.  
-You're adults, you can fly or own a car. And you blamed me for what happened and they have all the evidence they need, so yes.  
-No, they'll just think we made an alliance with you," said Colin. -We're in this together!  
-Okay, what difference does it make? I'm not going back to your house. They know where we live! And I'm not gonna keep wiping behind the four of you….  
-You're Nandor's familiar..." Nadja began, but Guillermo silenced her.  
-Yes, I was, but it's not like I ever cleaned, fixed, sewed, found virgins and tested dildos for you and your husband! Wait, no THAT'S WHAT I'VE DONE FOR 11 YEARS!!!!! AND THAT INCLUDES YOU TOO COLIN ROBINSON! I WAS A QUARTER OF YOUR DIET!  
-You tasted really good, Colin tried.  
-What do you want? Asks Laszlo. -That we get down on our knees and beg for you to feel powerful?  
-I already feel fucking powerful actually, says Guillermo showing the carnage. -So no thanks.  
-All right, we'll do fine without you," said Nandor.  
-I'm sure you do. I've seen how you've taken care of the house.  
-We had a party yesterday and we didn't have time to clean up, try Laszlo.  
-Anyway, goodbye!

But as he leaves, he hears:  
-Say your price, Nandor ask.

Guillermo turns around to see 4 vampires with an expression of supplication including Laszlo who has actually got down on his knees. How can 3 blood-drinking monsters and the living embodiment of each waiting line look like a bunch of kittens abandoned on the corner of the highway while it's hailing?

-Alright.

*****

Guillermo asked the vampires if they wanted to sell the house. None of them really wanted to and Colin managed to play with somes strings he have to keep it in their names but unoccupied. As they can't bring everything, most of the furniture will be put in a warehouse. If Guillermo is honest, even he is heartbroken to see the house empty.

-This is a list of the conditions for coming to live with me at my mother's apartment. They're non-negotiable, explain Guillermo. 

The vampires sit in front of him with the same expression as if they were waiting for a prison sentence.

-Begin, Nandor says.  
-Rule number one and the only one punishable by a stake through the heart. Nobody touches my mother, you don't yell at her, hurt her, kill her, drink her blood, take her energy or sleep with her!  
-Why is everyone looking at me? Laszlo asked. -I would never hurt Guillermo's mother!  
-I don't think that's his main concern with you, Colin says.  
-Rule number two, my mom's old and stressed out enough as it is. I'll probably be busy with other vampire assassins. So you're gonna have to be proactive. Clean up after yourself and don't expect to be served.  
-But what if I need help? says Nandor.  
-It will be my pleasure to show you how to do it," said Guillermo sincerely. -Rule number three, you're gonna have to contribute to the apartment. You have 2 options: either you get a job or you do the housework.  
-You're going to make us your cinderellas! Laszlo shouted in horror.  
-Not me, I've got a job! Colin Robinson said quickly.  
-No, I going to make you functional adults, it's different. And it's true, Colin Robinson has a job. So as long as you clean up after yourself, that's enough.  
-I was a sovereign, I don't know how to do it…  
-Nandor, I’t fine. It's okay if you don't know, I don't mind showing you. Give a man a fish and he'll eat one day, show him how to fish and he'll eat every day. 

Nandor has a hurt expression when Guillermo uses his first name instead of calling him Master. He continues to argue despite it all:  
-You can't understand, me and Laszlo are nobles and men, it's not natural for us unlike Nadja…  
-WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU BLOODY SEXIST PIG?  
-I would like to make it clear that even though I was included, Nandor's comments do not reflect my opinion," says Laszlo.  
-I know, darling," said Nadja before turning to Nandor. -I'M GOING TO TEAR YOUR DI…  
-Nadja if you kill Nandor, it will make more work for the rest of you, Guillermo says.

Nadja hiss Nandor one last time but obeys.

-I have a question about rule three, says Laszlo.  
-Yes, Laszlo?  
-If there's a task that we really don't want to do because we've had a bad experience that's left us…  
-Don't you want to vacuum since your cape got stuck in it? Guillermo asked.

Laszlo nodded.

-Okay, you can all have a veto on ONE task that you don't want to do. You can even trade with each other if you realize that you like one more than the other.  
-And if we get a job, we won't have to do them anymore? asked Nadja.  
-Aside from cleaning up after yourself? Yes, but I'm gonna need more than your word. It has to be a job with a regular paycheck. Understood?  
-Yes, said Nadja depress.  
-Good! Rule number four. I know you're gonna have to keep killing for food but you're gonna need to go out of the neighborhood for it! I don't want to draw attention to my mother's house or have you leaving dead bodies lying around the apartment. Colin Robinson, you're allowed to feed the neighbors but only those on this pre-screened list.  
-Why is he allowed to do that? Laszlo shouted. -It's favoritism!  
-Because I don't leave dead bodies, me!" Colin got angry.  
-And as unfair as it is, that is indeed my reason for having this rule. Honestly, if I could buy a litre of blood from the blood bank for each of you, I would.  
-No, it's for sick people, they understand, says Nadja.  
-Well, that leaves us with rule number five. No hypnosis.  
-What? Shouted the nocturals in chorus.  
-I don't want what happened to Shane to happen to my mom. I also don't want to find out that you hypnotized her to do your job for you.  
-Can we just hypnotize her for food? Laszlo asked.  
-Should I repeat rule number one?" Guillermo asked sternly.  
-What my husband means is maybe we can hypnotize her so she doesn't buy more food since none of us need it. And that we don't throw up or throw away the food that she would make for us? asked Nadja. -Just to avoid waste.  
-All right. I'll even change the rule in fact: you can use hypnosis in an emergency as if she sees you change into animals or some other impossible event to explained logically. Any other reason has to be asked first. Understood?  
-Yes, said the vampires with minus 17 of enthusiasm.


	2. A slap from the real world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nadja and Laszlo get a job and Nandor is fed up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I studied Spanish for a year over 15 years ago and I wasn't great. So sorry to everyone for the mistakes, I try my best.

-Me and Laszlo found a job, Nadja announced.  
-That fast? said Guillermo surprised.

Either he underestimated them or washing the toilet was the ass-kicking they needed.

\- And what exactly is your job? Guillermo ask.  
-I make deliveries. They always need people for evening deliveries. And I can make long-distance quickly. Also, there's a tip and other benefits, Nadja explained.

Cut has a image of a flying bat with a take-out bag. Nadja takes her human form and rings the doorbell.

-Yes? asked a voice to the intercom.  
-Good evening, I have a delivery for Mr. Smith, can I go inside? asked Nadja.  
-Yeah, I'll open.

Nadja goes to the apartment and a man opens to take the food before paying. Nadja counts the money before saying:

-Where's my tip?  
-I don't have any change, said the guy about to close the door.  
-Not my problem, says Nadja. -You're going to pay me double what you should have paid me for that insult, Nadja said using her hypnosis. 

The man hands over the money. 

-Thank asshole.

As Nadja is about to leave, she sees a guy with poor hygiene and a pickup artist's book passing by on the way to the apartment next door. She rushes to knock on his door and he opens up, she says:  
-Hi, there was a mistake on a delivery and I got an extra pizza. I was wondering if you wanted to share it with me?  
-Of course! Get inside!

Nadja smiles and obeys.

Back to the De La Cruz apartment.

Nadja pulls out three big water bottles filled with blood. She gives one to Laszlo, Nandor and keeps the last one for herself.

-Whoa, I'm impressed, bravo Nadja, says Guillermo sincerely. -What about you, Laszlo?  
-I'm writing.  
-Oh Laszlo, it's very hard to break into the literary world. Maybe you had to think about something else…  
-Not when you're a ghost writer, said Laszlo. -I found a company that needs small, quickly written books to meet various demands. They tell me what the theme and the essential elements are and I give them 1 to 4 stories according to my inspiration per week. I get 10% of the earnings. They give me a free copy too if you want it.  
-Okay, show me," said Guillermo suddenly worried.

Laszlo comes back with a cardboard box that he puts at Guillermo's feet.

-The harem of Catherine the Great, the temporal explorers of sex, monster mash orgy ,the...OH NO! said Guillermo, throwing the book he was holding in his hand in the box like it was in fire.  
-Yeah, dinosaur erotica isn't really my thing either, admitted Laszlo. -But those big lizards are popular these days. I said I'm open to write about anything as long as it's not with children or religious stuff. Well, age play is fine if everyone's over the age of majority. They are also kind enough to send a sample if they want a particular writing style or theme that I don't know. The omegaverse surprised me pleasantly.  
-I think your books are better than your movies, says Nadja. -I thought the temporal explorers of sex was genuinely good.  
-Thank you, my sweet baby. They gave me a lot of artistic freedom on this one.  
-But I guess since me and my husband are free of household chores since we are working now? asked Nadja.  
-You keep your space clean but otherwise yes, you don't have anything else.

At the reaction of Nadja and Laszlo, one would think that Guillermo just announcement them the end of World War III. 

-What? Nandor shouted angrily. -They're free when I have to scrub the floor like a fucking slave?  
-They have a job that makes them contribute to the house," says Guillermo. -We have a mop if you want to use it instead.  
-Laszlo just sits on his ass all night and Nadja uses her work to eat! continued Nandor.  
-Laszlo writes six hours a day, it's a job. And Nadja also feeds you as far as I know, says Guillermo.  
-He's just angry because we won't cover for him anymore! says Nadja.  
-What? Ask Guillermo.  
-Exactly, he takes him 20 minutes on one plate and it still has stains on it when he says he's done," Laszlo insisted.  
-Shut up, Cravensworth!  
-Nandor, is it true? Guillermo asked severely.  
-I don't have to report to you, Guillermo! You have no right to treat me like this! Nandor continued.  
-I treat you better than you've ever treated me," Guillermo said coldly, refusing to get into Nandor's game.  
-How dare you tell me that, you pretentious little shit? Nandor continued shouting.  
-Nandor...weakly tempted Nadja.  
-No! I'm not afraid of him! And I know he's just doing this to get back at us! Nandor continued.  
-Nandor, really stop, Laszlo insisted.  
-No, I haven't finished…  
-Por qué le gritas a mi hijo?!

Madame de la Cruz had just appeared in the room, angry and on her way to Nandor. She got between Guillermo and Nandor and started shouting at him in Spanish.

-Cómo te atreves a gritarle a mi hijo cuando te permitió quedarte aquí sin pagar porque estás en problemas!  
-Mrs. Mom of Guillermo, this is a private conversation," Nandor said, trying to get behind her but mrs. de la Cruz pushed him against the sofa and yelled at him again. For at least twenty minutes while Nandor the Relentless shriveling in his seat unable to understand the words but clearly understanding the feeling. Finally when she was finished, she turned to Guillermo to ask:

-Estás bien, Guillermo?  
-Claro, mamá, no te preocupes.  
-Está bien. Puedes decirle a Laszlo que tengo una planta para él?  
-I'm sorry," Laszlo said quickly. -I don't know why, but I swear I am.  
-She's just saying that she got you a plant because I said to her that you misses your garden," Guillermo explained.  
-Oh that's nice, Laszlo says gracias, that's the Spanish word for thank you...right? Nadja asked to Guillermo.  
-Yes, that's the right word.  
-Gracias Madame de la Cruz, said Laszlo.

She smiles at them before she leaves the room.

-So it's not that it smells bad or it's akward but I've got a gay romance to write between a young literature student and a centaur so I'm going to go, says Laszlo.  
-I just want to relax a bit before Colin Robinson gets home from work so I'm going to go too," Nadja added.

Only Guillermo and Nandor remained in the room. Nandor has the face of a beaten dog and Guillermo notices some knots in his hair. 

-Do you really think I'm punishing you? Guillermo asked.  
-Is that a trick question? Nandor asked.  
-Do you think I'm petty enough to go looking for the four of you in a vampire-infested place just because I wanted to see you do dirty laundry?  
-Well, you've been complaining a lot that I haven't turned you into a vampire these past few months, Nandor replied.

Guillermo repressed a scream of frustration before taking the hand of his former master.

-All right, you know what? We'll start over at zero.  
-You're gonna do it for me? Nandor asked hopefully.  
-No. We're going to pick a task and you're going to show me how you do it. And I'm going to fix what's wrong... And if I see enough good will, I'm going to brush your hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Por qué le gritas a mi hijo? : Why are you yelling at my son?  
> Cómo te atreves a gritarle a mi hijo cuando te permitió quedarte aquí sin pagar porque estás en problemas!: How dare you yell at my son when he let you stay here without paying because you're in trouble!  
> Estás bien, Guillermo?: Are you okay, Guillermo?  
> Claro, mamá, no te preocupes.:Sure, Mom, don't worry.  
> Está bien. Puedes decirle a Laszlo que tengo una planta para él?: It's okay. Can you tell Laszlo I have a plant for him?


	3. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The vampires want to know more about Guillermo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter for real. But a sequel will come :P

-We wouldn't be in this mess if we had gotten to know him," says Nadja, putting the dirty laundry in the right pile.  
-Guillermo? Ask Nandor.  
-No, the mailman. Of course, Guillermo! If we had known from the beginning about him other than his name, we wouldn't be in this position, Nadja continued.  
-It's Nandor's familiar, therefore his responsibility, defend himself Laszlo.  
-For the number of times you've borrowed him to me, he might as well have been yours, Nandor growled.  
\- Nandor, you're putting this garment in the wrong pile, Colin says. -It goes in the delicates pile.  
-These are warrior's clothes, it's not delicate!  
-Let him do it, Colin Robinson, he'll only have himself to blame if it comes back damaged," Laszlo replied. -And maybe you're right my love but it's too late for that too.  
-I think improving our relationship with Guillermo is actually a good idea," says Nandor. -I mean, I think he's a little demanding with us, but he means well.

It's not that Nandor feels bad about his treatment of Guillermo. He was much more generous than a lot of other vampires. But... maybe just maybe being a little better than the others wasn't enough. And he was confused by this new dynamic. It would have been so easy to just hate Guillermo if he had just started treating them as his servants. But he was nice, he had explained several times without lose his temper to Nandor how to wash the dishes properly. It took two hours, and he was cheering him on all the time. And kept his promise to brush Nandor's hair. If Nandor was honest, he probably wouldn't have had the same tenderness in the same situation. Stupid Guillermo making him feel bad for stupid reasons.

-So, what are we doing? We ask him to tell us his favourite colour, animal and sexual position? asked Laszlo sarcastically.  
-We live with his mother, don't we? She must know a few things about him, says Nadja.  
-No, I'm not talking to that woman! Nandor said.  
-Are you afraid of her? Colin asked amused.  
-No! I just don't want to talk to her after she was so disrespectful to me!  
-She was a she-wolf defending her cub, Nandor. You can't blame her for being a strong, loving, surprisingly well-preserved wo…  
-Laszlo! scolded him his wife.  
-What? I can admire her from a distance! Like a work of art.  
-I see you masturbated to the Mona Lisa, reminded him Nadja.  
-As if I was the only one! her husband defended himself.  
-Do either of you speak Spanish? Ask Colin.

The three of them look at each other before shaking their heads in negation.

-I speak three Latin languages: French, Latin Portuguese. Is one of them close enought? Laszlo asked.  
-Not enough, I'm afraid. I speak it a little, recognized Colin. -It's a fairly common language in the United States so it seemed like a good idea to me to learn it to collect energy…  
-Colin Robinson, warns him Nandor.  
-I'm not allowed to feed on her, so I'm stocking up," Colin replied. -But yeah, I might try to ask her.

*****

Mrs. de la Cruz was surprised to see her son's strange friends all coming towards her. The four-eyed man tried to ask him for something, but he quickly stopped. He was quite shy and always seemed to be asking for the minimum. The girl, her boyfriend and even the insolent Arab try to repeat Colin's words awkwardly. After a while, Mrs. De La Cruz understood what they wanted and amused, sign them to follow her.

******

Tough day at the office, Guillermo thought darkly as he checked to make sure there was no more blood on him. Two vampires had attacked him but he killed them quickly and he was on the other side of town. Without having disappeared, their numbers decreased. Maybe their pride would become less important than their safety, Guillermo hoped. As he walked home, he heard laughter and exclamations from the vampires. They're having fun, that's a good thing, isn't it? 

Then why is Guillermo's heart beating so fast?

-¡Mamá, soy yo, estoy en casa! Guillermo announced.  
-Estamos en la sala, Guillermo. ¡Ven y únete a nosotros! he heard his mother tell him.

What Guillermo found in the living room was beyond his worst nightmare. All the vampires surrounding his mother holding a photo album!

-Guillermo,your mother is showing us pictures of you as a child," said Nandor, not noticing the discomfort of his old familiar.  
-I know how you look naked now, laughs Nadja.  
-You were such a cute baby, what happened at puberty? Laszlo asked him.

Guillermo turned to Colin Robinson and saw his eyes shining.

-It's the first good meal I've had in two weeks," he defended himself.

Guillermo's too tired for this shit.

-Guillermo, come sit with us, come on! Nandor insists. -It's going to be fun and your mom's trying to explain things to us but we don't understand.

It's the last thing Guillermo wants, but he doesn't know how to refuse. So he sits on the sofa next to his mother (he is the first surprised to see Laszlo give him his place to sit further away).

-Have you disguised yourself as a vampire every year for Haloween since you were what? Nine years old? Nadja asked.  
-Eight years but yes," replied Guillermo.  
-It was really important to you," said Nandor as he began to realize what he had done to his familiar.

It's not as bad as Guillermo expected; the vampires mostly ask questions and while they are sometimes mocking comments, nothing cruel comes out of their mouths. The worst they do is react in disgust to his first communion photos.

-Haha, finally! Nandor said pointing to a picture.  
-What? Ask for Guillermo.  
-I found your daddy! Nandor said, pointing to the photo.  
-Oh no, that's my uncle Reynaldo.  
-Does your father always take the pictures then? Nandor asked. -Or is he shy? Disfigured?  
-Nandor, it's none of your bloody business, Nadja said coldly.  
-It's nothing," said Guillermo. -My father's not in my life.  
-Why? Nandor insisted.  
-Nandor, this is his private life! Laszlo got angry.  
-Because he doesn't want to," Guillermo replied flatly.

Nandor looks at Guillermo as if he's just told him that he's secretly Santa Claus. Nadja and Laszlo seemed uncomfortable.

-I don't understand ,Nandor insists.  
-My mom got pregnant with me and my dad didn't want to be with her. So he left.  
-Your mother is a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man! She's proven that! Look at you! I'm sure your Van Helsing genes are on her side, Nadja insisted.  
-There is no shame in being born out of wedlock! I’m a bastard too, my father only recognized me because my older brothers died and he didn't want his nephews to inherit! added Laszlo.  
-It's no big deal. I'm not sad or angry about him. I don't feel anything about him. I assure you, don’t worry.   
-Can you still tell your mother what I said in Spanish? Nadja asked.  
-And me too, said Laszlo.  
-Sure, I'll just cut the Van Helsing part.

Guillermo's mother seems really touched by Nadja and Laszlo’s words (He just said that Laszlo's mother was also a single mom). Colin seems satiated by this surprised meal but Nandor doesn't seem ready to let go. 

-Do you want me to kill him?   
-No!  
-Cripple him? Or drive him crazy? Nandor insists.  
-No, it wouldn't be fair to his relatives, Guillermo says firmly.  
-It's not fair to you.  
-I don't want to torture myself with someone who didn't want me. I was angry that he didn't give my mom money or help, but I'm okay now. And if he ever wants to meet me, I'll tell him I don't want him.  
-It's a good punishment. Not as good as having him quartered, but it's not bad. I... I never said it or showed it, but... we missed you when you left.  
-It's hard not to have someone to clean up after you," Guillermo says amused.  
-Yes, but not just that. I...We loved having you with us. You're kind, patient and resourceful. When this is all sorted out, if you still want to be a vampire, I'll... I'll take care of it. You pick the date. Just try not to take a holiday. It'll make finding your first meal difficult.  
-I'll think about it," said Guillermo.

He's sure he doesn't want to hurt Nandor, Nadja, Laszlo and Colin but he's not sure about becoming a vampire anymore. He needs to sort out who he is and what he wants. Life is strange: having offered him what he always wanted, working tirelessly for 11 years to get and now? Not sure that's what he wants.

-So unless you want to laugh at my childhood photos again, I'm going to take a shower.  
-Oh, don't be embarrassed! If that's all that embarrasses you, Nadja and I have lots of naked pictures of us you can look at.  
-I can take some of me if you want, Colin says.  
-I've just added a new rule that says no naked pictures in this apartment," said Guillermo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¡Mamá, soy yo, estoy en casa! : Mom, it's me, I'm home!  
> Estamos en la sala, Guillermo. ¡Ven y únete a nosotros! : We're in the living room, Guillermo.Come and join us!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to do 2 chapters (I have a lot of history to finish!!!!!). But if you like it, I'm willing to add more chapters.


End file.
